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(The following memo is facetious.  It is based in no small part on a delightful experience I had recently with one of the tone-deaf legacy airlines…)

Dear Customer,

Effective immediately, this public relations firm shall be incorporating several changes to improve its operating efficiencies.  

1. Generation fees:  Effective immediately, phone calls to or from the agency will be charged to your account at a rate of $10/call. This will be in addition to your monthly invoice, which we anticipate to increase by 15 – 20 %.  Clients will also be charged a “creative generation fee” of $5 per Word document and $8 per Excel spreadsheet generated on their behalf.  E-mails sent to or received from the client will be charged to their account at a rate of $10 per e-mail.  While we regret any inconvenience, an unsteady market and the increased costs of business software mandate these fees. We are pleased to announce, however, that, effective immediately, the agency shall offer for purchase its Premium Deluxe Communications plan, whereby clients may choose e-mails using fonts pleasing to the eye, Word documents with 15% larger font and a wide selection of pleasant hold music for phone calls.  Clients choosing the Premium Deluxe Communications plan will be charged an additional 20% of their monthly invoice for the service.
2. Interaction expectations:      Effective immediately, this agency will discontinue the delivery of service with personality, friendliness or congeniality.  While we regret any inconvenience, an unsteady economy and eroding profit margins mandate this change of procedure.  Please be reminded that any confrontation or discussion with this agency on the matter could result in additional scrutiny by the Department of Homeland Security, and any responses arbitrarily deemed excessive by this agency will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law, resulting in the possibility of fines or incarceration.
3. Availability subject to change:         Effective immediately, this agency will only be able to schedule conference calls or meetings on Mondays from 9 a.m. to 12 noon eastern, and Thursdays from 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. eastern.  While we regret any inconvenience this might cause to our West Coast customers, an unstable market has forced us to block meeting times for maximum efficiency and profit.  Additionally, all in-person meetings will take place in Cleveland, in order to reduce the agency’s travel costs.  In the event that more than one meeting may not be scheduled in Cleveland, the agency reserves the right to cancel said meeting at its discretion. 
4. Procedures for misplaced data or information:     Marketing communications is an unpredictable business, and, unfortunately, some events may occur that are not anticipated by this agency.  In the unlikely event that the agency loses, misplaces or releases your proprietary information, a representative will be designated with whom you may file your grievance.  You may learn the identity of the designated representative within 172 hours of the event by contacting the phone number listed within section 5:  “Procedures for Complaints.” This agency may be able to provide you with a “data amenity kit” in the event that your own proprietary information is not recoverable.
5. Procedures for complaints:  Our customers are among our most valuable sources of profit.  In the unlikely event that you have a complaint, you will be asked to fill out a 36-field survey online at our Web site.  While we attempt to answer some of these complaints, an uncertain economy and rising operating costs have forced us to take measures to maintain competitive profitability, including the reduction of our customer service capabilities.  Accordingly, you may or may not receive a response within 9 to 18 business days.  Please send all inquiries to oblivion@abandonhope.com or call us (long distance charges may apply) at 1-POUNDSAND.

Thank you for your continued cooperation.