You see, I’ve seen the inner workings of the corporate newsletter many times. And it ain’t often pretty. I’ve slumped at conference tables while copy was edited and re-edited and edited again by the client….to the point where the articles were dated and irrelevant. I’ve been approached by prospects seeking ten-page newsletters to go out daily (Really? Consider the publishing business if that’s your aim!). And I’ve seen everything in between.
It’s true that newsletters can be an effective way to get your story out there and deliver some value to prospects. That is, if you actually deliver some value. So, with that in mind, here’s the blueprint for the corporate newsletter that nobody will read.
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Make sure you don’t explain what the newsletter is, or why your recipient is getting it for the first time. After all, nobody ever receives SPAM. And it’s very likely that your prospect/recipient is just sitting around, waiting for your e-mail.
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Make it long. People like to read, don’t they? So be sure there’s lots of scrolling required. Add lots and lots of profound quotes, such as “We’re excited at the opportunity to be of service to our clients.” Undoubtedly, the only thing better than finally getting the e-mail from you that your prospect has been waiting for is getting thousands of words from you.
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Make it all about your product, and nothing else. The only thing better than getting unsolicited e-mails from people you may or may not know is getting self-serving pitches from them. Who needs to seek out marketing collateral when I can have it sent directly to my inbox? And of course this differs from unsolicited Viagra ads—it’s about your product, so it must be valuable.
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Use a lot of graphics. Preferably stock photos. Of models in suits shaking hands or making meaningful gestures as though they’ve just discovered and mastered cold fusion. SPAM filters like graphics, and we don’t really care if our newsletter doesn’t even get to its audience, right?
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Don’t worry about editing the text. Just get it out on time! Your reader will understand that, normally, your writers grasp the English language, and use it well. They’ll get that you just didn’t have time to edit…when you send them an e-mail they didn’t ask for…which is really just an advertisement. They won’t lose any respect for the brand at all when they see poor syntax, bad grammar and spelling mistakes that a ten-year-old version of Word (or, in some cases, a ten-year old) could have caught.
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CAN-SPAM? What’s that? People secretly love it when, having received an unsolicited newsletter (especially a badly-written, self-serving pitch), they attempt to “unsubscribe,” only to get the 2nd, 3rd and 4th issues anyway. And the FTC doesn’t mind, either. They know that you’re not some overseas-based spammer. You sell real products. So your recipients should get the chance to see more of your Pulitzer-winning newsletter, whether they like it or not.
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Make sure you only have one issue. And then don’t ever do another newsletter again. That says a lot about the brand. It speaks to your strategic discipline, ability to plan and execute, and dedication to an idea. So go ahead and send that first issue, and then don’t ever send one again. That will undoubtedly bump sales immediately.
Pardon the slightly-sarcastic approach I’ve taken this week. I think I got one too many pieces of bad “direct marketing” this week. I do have a point here, though. A good newsletter—one that delivers value to the reader, looks professional, and is worthy of a stranger’s time—can do wonders for one’s brand. But there are very few out there. And believe me, there are a LOT of newsletters following my humble suggestions above as though they were religion. Try not to be one of them.
